You’ll crack up over these Dracula-inspired dad jokes that totally don’t suck.
Bela Lugosi and Helen Chandler in “Dracula.”Bettmann Archive
Aug. 14, 2024, 12:40 AM GMT+5
By Sarah Lemire
Have you ever wondered how the police catch vampires? With stake-outs, of course. How do vampires predict the future? They check their horror-scope. What do you call twin vampires? Dead ringers.
If you’re groaning right now (and you aren’t a zombie) get ready, because we’ve got a collection of vampire jokes that totally bite in the best way possible.
From corny one-liners on bats, blood and other vampire gags, to downright dumb puns, we’ve gathered our favorite Transylvanian-inspired dad jokes to keep the laughs coming on Halloween.
You’ll be positively batty over these silly witticisms that pay tribute to Count Dracula, coffins and everything else undead.
If witches, zombies and ghosts are your passion, then you’ve come to the wrong place because this one’s exclusively for the Edward Cullen fans in the crowd. Yep, bloodsucker enthusiasts only.
Better yet, you don’t even need to believe that vampires are real to enjoy all the laughs in this compilation of jokes. Nope, all that’s needed is a sense of humor and some holy water. Everything else (garlic included) is optional.
Oh, and one other thing: While these vampire jokes don’t bite, they are a real pain in the neck. Consider yourself warned.
Best Vampire Jokes
- What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday? Fangs-giving.
- What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit? Neck-tarine.
- How do vampires get to Transylvania? By scare-plane.
- What kind of candy do vampires eat? Suckers.
- How do vampires predict the future? They check their horror-scope.
- What did the vampire say when he looked in the mirror? Long time, no see.
- Why don’t vampires eat cows? They don’t like stakes.
- How many real vampires are there? None. Unless you count Dracula.
- What’s a vampire’s favorite TV show? “Big Fang Theory.”
- How did Dracula learn to be a vampire? He took a crash corpse.
- Where do vampires live? On a dead end street.
- Did you hear about the tech worker who got turned into a vampire? Now he gigabytes.
- How do vampires stay cool in the summer? They use scare-conditioning.
- Did you hear about the crazy vampire? He’s totally batty.
- What’s a vampire’s favorite kind of dog? A bloodhound.
- Where do vampires deposit their paychecks? At the blood bank.
- Did you hear about the vampire feud? There was bad blood.
- What do vampires use to power their flashlights? Bat-teries.
- What do you call vampire siblings? Blood brothers.
- How can you spot a wealthy vampire? It has blue blood.
- What happens when vampires get mad? Their blood boils.
- How do vampires flirt? They bat their eyes.
- Why did the vampire get glasses? It was as blind as a bat.
- Why did the vampire go to the dentist? It had bat breath.
- Why don’t vampires get invited to parties? They’re a pain in the neck.
- Did you hear about the vampire romance? It was love at first bite.
- Why did the vampire go to the doctor? It was coffin.
- How do vampires make cookies? In bat-ches.
- Why did the vampire quit his job? He just couldn’t sink his teeth into the role.
- What do you call twin vampires? Dead ringers.
- What shouldn’t you serve a vampire for dinner? Steak.
- Did you hear about the new vampire laptop? It bytes.
- Why do vampires avoid the cold? They don’t want to get frostbite.
- Who won the vampire race? No one — it was neck and neck.
- Did you hear about the vampire party? It was loud enough to wake the undead.
- I’d tell you a vampire joke, but the only ones I know suck.
- What two things won’t vampires eat for breakfast? Lunch and dinner.
- How do the police catch vampires? Answer: They do stake-outs.
- What do you say to a three-headed vampire? “Hello! Hello! Hello!”
- Why did Count Dracula hire an assistant? To help with all his fang mail.
- Did you hear about the two vampires that got into an argument? Apparently, it was a real bat-tle.
- Why did the vampire go to the salon? It was having a bat hair day.
- Why did the vampire take a nap? He was dead tired.
- What kind of cars do vampires drive? Monster trucks.
- Why aren’t vampires very self-aware? They can’t reflect.
- What’s a vampire’s favorite band? The Dead Hot Chili Peppers.
- How do vampires like their bagels? With scream cheese.
- What kind of rocks do vampires collect? Tombstones.
- Where do vampires go to swim? The Dead Sea.
- How do you stop a vampire from digging up graves? Take away his shovel.