Why don’t we see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
Why does a Chicken Coop only have two doors? Because if it had four, it’d be a Chicken Sedan!
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the “Fresh Prints.”
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. A house doesn’t jump at all!
What do diapers and politicians have in common? They both stink and need to be changed often.
A man walks into a bar, and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.
He hears someone whisper, “Pssst…I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.
“Pssst…that color looks nice on you.”
He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?” The bartender rolls his eyes and says, “No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger goes back to Austria for his Easter Break. When he returns to California his friend says to him, “Arnie, I hear you went back home to Austria for Easter. How was it?
To which Arnie replied [in Arnie voice]: “Oh it was terrible! My father, he ruined the Easter Egg hunt, he put all of the eggs in awful places and nobody could find any eggs and quite generally we all had an awful day.”
His colleague then says, “Oh Arnie that’s no good at all, I’m sorry to hear! Does that mean you don’t love easter anymore?”
Arnie [Very important to read in Arnie voice]: “Oh no of course not – I still love Easter, baby.”
An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it. The owner said, “Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me – you do not want that parrot!”
She said, “I can teach it good manners.”
But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.
She took it out and said, “Did you learn your lesson?” It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds. She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.
The parrot said “Brr… Yes, I learned my lesson, but, what did the chicken do?”
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!” He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, “When are you going to pay for these beers?”
The man answers, “Now the problems start!”
Once there was a man who went to an exotic country and came across a stall selling handmade handheld fans. He asked for the prettiest and longest-lasting one and the owner charged him a whopping $1,000! After using it the first time, it broke so he took it back for a refund.
The owner listened to the complaints and finally asked him how he used the fan. The man demonstrated flapping the fan as one would normally do.
Then the owner said, “Ah! No wonder! You have been using the fan wrong. This is the way to use it.” Then, he held the fan and frantically moved his head left and right.
And God said to John, “Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life!” But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
An Italian businessman goes to Indonesia for a business trip. He hates Indonesian food, so he asked the concierge in his hotel, “Is there any restaurant where I can find Italian food here?” The concierge says, “You’re lucky sir, a new pizza restaurant just opened and they deliver.” The businessman asks for the restaurant’s number, goes back to his room, and orders the pizza.
30 minutes later, the delivery person shows up with the pizza. He takes the pizza and eats it. Suddenly he’s sneezing uncontrollably and shouting to the delivery person, “What did you put on this pizza?!”
The delivery man bows deeply and says, “We put exactly what you ordered on the phone, sir. It’s pepper only”
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump.
