If Bert Newton was a butcher…how would he introduce his wife? Meat Patty!
What do you call Batman when he skips church? Christian Bale.
What kind of pants do Mario and Luigi wear? Denim-denim-denim
Why can’t Chuck Norris use the internet? Because he won’t submit.
How does Lady Gaga like her steak? (sing) Raw-raw-raw-ra-ah-aww
What’s Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1
Did you know that the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is only ever a whim away? A whim away… a whim away…
Why didn’t the Terminator upgrade to Windows 10? I asked him and he said, “I still love vista, baby.”
Jokes about work
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500 dollars.”
“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the man. The owner says “Well the parrot knows how to use a computer.”
The man then asks about the next parrot and learns that it costs $1,000 dollars because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot, only to be told that it costs $2,000 dollars. Needless to say, this begs the question, “What can it do?”
To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I have never seen it do anything, but the other two call him boss!”
I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes, and he gave me a 5% raise.
Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric, and cable company.”
Why did the scarecrow get promoted? Because he was out standing in his field!
A designer walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your type in here.”
A product manager walks into the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry, no drinks, but we’ll consider adding them later.”
A drunk Elm programmer walks into the bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve dysfunctional programmers.”
Finally, a QA engineer walks into the bar, orders a beer, ten beers, 2.5 million beers, a dog, and leaves without paying.
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.
