Why did the ghost go to rehab? He was addicted to boos.
Why did the car get a flat tire? Because there was a fork in the road!
I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!!!!
Have you heard about the band 1023MB? It’s probably because they haven’t got a gig yet…
Why does the golfer wear two pants? Because he’s afraid he might get a “Hole-in-one.”
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? (insert: you saying “R”) You’d think it’d be the “R,” but it’s the “C.”
What’s the difference between a well-dressed cyclist and a scruffy guy on a tricycle? A tire.
Why should you wear glasses to maths class? Because it helps with division.
I’m so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they could spend years at C.
Why did the woman go on the date with the mushroom? Because he was a fun-ghi.
Why do bananas never get lonely? Because they hang out in bunches.
What did the buffalo say when his kid went to college? Bison.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield? Too many ears.
What do you call someone who doesn’t like carbs? Lack-Toast Intolerant.
What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeno business.
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a………… pint of beer please.” The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?” The bear replies, “Well, I’ve always had ’em!”
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
Why did the birthday boy wrap himself in paper? He wanted to live in the present.
What does a house wear? A dress.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack.
Why didn’t the bike want to go anywhere? Because it was two-tired!
Want to hear a pizza joke? Nahhh, it’s too cheesy!
Why are chemists great at solving problems? Because they have all of the solutions!
Why is it impossible to starve in the desert? Because of all the sand which is there!
A string walks into a bar and the bartender goes, “Sorry, we don’t serve strings here.“
The string walks out all sad and defeated, then has a great idea. He ties himself in a bow, cuts off his ends to look all pretty, and struts back into the bar.
The bartender looks at him and goes, “Hey, aren’t you that string I turned away before?” and the string goes, “Nope! I’m a frayed knot!”
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Halloumi!
Why did the developer go broke? Because he used up all his cache.
A man goes to the zoo. There’s only ONE exhibit in the entire zoo. It was a Shih Tzu.
Did you know that ants are the only animals that don’t get sick? It’s true! It’s because they have little antibodies.
Two antennas decided to get married, the ceremony was pretty boring, but the reception was great!
Why did the donut go to the dentist? To get a filling.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
Two friends are walking down the street thinking of something to do. One friend turns to the other and says, “Let’s go get a drink, there’s this new place that does THE best punch you’ll ever drink.”
So they make their way to the bar and walk straight up to the bartender “Bartender, two glasses of your best punch please.”
The bartender replies in a stern voice, “If you want some punch you’re gonna have to get in line like everybody else.”
The friends turn and look around but there’s no punch line…
