My parents raised me as an only child. Which really infuriated my sister.
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched with tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, “That’s arson.”
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”
At home, they treat me like God. I’m generally ignored until someone wants something.
My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?” Dad: “Call me George.”
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
I childproofed my house. Somehow they still got in!
My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”
I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
What do you call headphones that walk out on their children? Deadbeats.
Today I made a decision to go to my childhood house. I asked the residents if I may come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, however, they refused and slammed the door on my face. My mother and father are the worst.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.
