Why did the zombies get divorced? Their marriage was dead.
Why did the lion go to therapy? He found out his wife was a cheetah.
Why shouldn’t you marry hardware engineers? They have floppy disks.
My wife is mad that I ruined our anniversary. I’m not sure how, I didn’t even know it was today.
How are marriages like algebra? Because when you look at your X, you can’t help but wonder Y.
My husband told me to do whatever makes me happy. I’m going to miss him.
Why did the invisible man leave his wife? He didn’t feel seen.
Where did couples go for fun in medieval times? Knight clubs.
I told my therapist that my wife and I have no chemistry. He didn’t have a reaction.
Why did the turkey leave her husband? She suspected fowl play.
Why didn’t the wife attend her husband’s funeral? She wasn’t much of a mourning person.
Why is being married worse than having to go to work? Because at least with work there’s a chance you’ll get a new boss.
I don’t go to vampire weddings. They usually suck.
My husband is driving me to drink. I guess it’s better than taking me for a walk.
How are husbands like wine? They take forever to mature.
I haven’t talked to my wife in a week. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
My husband says I’m too competitive. I told him I already knew that.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine?
I went to see my dentist and he warned me it was going to hurt. He ended up telling me he was having an affair with my wife.
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning. I said, “Nah, most of the time I just let him sleep.”
Wife: “I want another baby.” Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one.”
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around.”
My wife says making love is even better on vacation. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.
