The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to upset you.
I have many jokes about unemployed people — sadly none of them work.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
You’re not completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example.
My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
Teamwork is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you.
Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation. Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.
To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
I asked the corporate wellness officer, “Can you teach me yoga?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
